SONGS THAT HAVE RUINED MY SUMMER

I get to choose what radio station I listen to at work.  YAY?!?!  Except for how the radio they have only gets like 5 stations, and no matter which I choose, at least one of these songs always follows me.

I mean, I can deal with hearing a shitty song played over and over again.  But these songs are just TOO SHITTY.

1. Matisyahu — One Day.  I don’t know what to tell you. THIS SONG FILLS ME WITH INEXPLICABLE RAGE.
2. Kings of Leon — Use Somebody.  The problem here is that I actually like the first 30 seconds of the song.  BUT THEN I REMEMBER THAT IT’S KINGS OF LEON AND IT SUCKS.
3. Shinedown — Second Chance.  IS THIS A SONG????????? LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!
4. Kelly Clarkson — I Do Not Hook Up.  Because it’s not the original version by Katy Perry.  AND THUS A WASTE OF MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I LIKE THIS!!1

From Richard Brautigan’s novella Trout Fishing in America:

You’re supposed to make only two quarts of Kool-Aid from a package, but he always made a gallon, so his Kool-Aid was a mere shadow of its desired potency.  And you’re supposed to add a cup of sugar to every package of Kool-Aid, but he never put any sugar in his Kool-Aid because there wasn’t any sugar to put in it.

He created his own Kool-Aid reality and was able to illuminate himself by it.

In semi-related news, who knew?

Are you one of those people who hate twitter?

From now on, I hope you enjoy finding out what I am doing EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY PAGE.

Twitter is really only practical if you’re famous and feel like fighting with perez hilton on a public forum, but let’s be honest.  SOME DAY I’ll be famous and OF COURSE that’s the first thing I’m going to want to do.

Until then, I promise I’ll only use twitter when I’m bored.  Or when I’m out by myself and want to assure the people around me that although I look alone, I have MANY MANY friends texting me.  Or when I want to make a passive aggressive comment about a person or group that I assume does not read this.  WHATEVER.

Wutz new???

I am now employed!  I work in an airport at a snack bar/take out counter.  I spend 75% of my work day engaging in what I pretend is witty banter with the TSA/securitas/etc folks.  The next time I am pulled over I fully intend on whipping out said banter skills, thus removing myself from the ticketing situation amicably.

SOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooOOOOOo I saw HP6 the other night.  I really enjoyed it up until the end, when it was apparently decided that the climactic battle scene in Hogwarts WASN’T IMPORTANT.  The only way I’ll be placated is if deathly hallows has a 45 minute action sequence of Neville FUCKING DEATH EATER SHIT UP.

Oh, and n.b.

dame maggie smith is a STONE FOXXXXXXXXX.

Living the Dream

6:00 AM: Alarm goes off.  Proceed to snooze until 6:40.

6:45 AM: Get in the shower.

7:03 AM: Shower completed.

7:05 AM: Decide to have two pieces of toast with peanut butter for breakfast.

7:08 AM: Accidentally drop piece of toast on the floor.  Peanut butter side down.

7:09 AM: Think REALLY HARD about the appropriate course of action.

7:11 AM: Pick up the toast and put cinnamon on it so that any potential debris will be camouflaged.  Put cinnamon on the other slice of toast for consistency.

7:12 AM: Become full after eating one slice.  I do not know if I ended up eating the clean or dirty piece of toast.

7:15 AM: Sit on bathroom floor while drinking coffee.

7:20 AM: Brush teeth.

WOOOW, so I was going to go on like that even longer, but typing about how boring my life is bores me even more than sitting here being bored.  I’m going to fast forward to the most important parts of my day.

2:30 PM: While trolling the internet, find out about the band LMFAO.

2:33 PM: Delete entire iTunes library and fill it instead with the LMFAO discography.

2:35 PM: Attempt to entertain self by blogging about today.

2:55 PM: Take a nap.

FINALLY.

Our prayers have been answered!  Behold!  The solution to the “archaic” toilet paper issues that have plagued us for centuries is here at last:

God bless America.

My only regret is that I had to hear about it from the internet, and not from finding it in my grandmother’s bathroom.  Or underneath my Christmas tree.

I can’t wait until this divine product wins over the bourgeoisie so that I can invest in a gold plated/diamond encrusted model.

“Dance With Me”…OR ELSE.

The Leftovers’ new album Eager to Please was released last week, and it’s ballin’.  I recommend that you seek it out and enjoy it thoroughly.  Fun, Beach Boys-esque pop punk…good driving/summer roadtrip music.

It’s a treat for all senses.

Oh, and they get bonus points for being funny.  Go watch their tour vlogs and “LOL.”

Congratz, I GUESS.

Apparently, Steve Luttrell has been appointed the new poet laureate of Portland, Maine.

Until now, I didn’t even realize that cities could HAVE their own poet laureates!  IT’S LIKE THE UNIVERSE WANTS ME TO BE AN UNDERACHIEVER.  What’s next, COUNTY poet laureates?  Sigh.

Oh well.

Still Unemployed :(

This video will never stop being funny to me.  Andy Dick is way underrated.

Today, I had an epiphany.  Why has no one created carpenter skinny jeans?  They would be the most ideally ironic pants ever.  I would be forced to burn all the pants I currently own in order that I might NEVER have to wear NON carpenter skinny jeans.

In other news, some of my friends and I have started a book club.  I’m 20 pages into our first selection, and it is decidedly brilliant.  Be on the lookout for my review.